“Our lives improve only when we take chances… and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.”
~ ~ Walter Anderson ~ ~
You ready for this? Hi, my name is Carrie and I’m overweight. I wasn’t going to blog about this but I decided that if I expect my clients to be honest with themselves, then I’ve got to do the same. I have to face myself head on, truthfully, wearing my shame, owning it, and then making plans to change it. Isn’t that what I tell you guys to do?
I was killing a few minutes this morning waiting to get back to my daughter’s school for an award ceremony (she was awarded a certificate for “Fairness”. Yay, Ally!). I compulsively drove through McDonald’s for my coveted Diet Coke and an Egg McMuffin.
And then it hit me really hard…Holy cow, I am a fat person!
Now, I don’t want anyone commenting back saying “oh, you’re just fine” or “you look great” or “you only have a few pounds to lose.” Seriously, don’t tell me that. I’ve been masking the truth for a while now. Let me state the obvious. I train for triathlons. You all know I’m slow, but I still train. I still swim, bike, and run. I do strength training. My heart rate is up, I’m sweating, I’m drained when I’m done. There is only 1 reason I should be heavier now than I’ve ever been before. And NO, it is not because muscle weighs more than fat, but thank you for thinking that. It’s because I eat CRAP and too much of it!!
Here’s the funny part, every aspect of my life is really very, very good. The more I’ve gained “control” of other aspects of my life and am truly happy, the more I’ve let my eating habits and weight go. I’ve been fooling myself as the pounds have slowly crept up. I complain about it. I joke about it. Every night I promise myself that tomorrow will be the start of changing all this. I am so uncomfortable with myself and yet nothing changes and I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed of how I have treated my body, of what a poor role model I have been for my children, and how I’ve let myself go while working out and training. Talk about self sabotage. And so this morning I had to say it…I’m a fat person! There, it’s out!
After finishing my Egg McMuffin (hehe), I immediately used my cell phone to find a Weight Watchers place. As soon as my daughter got her award, I headed over there and signed myself up. I stepped on that scale. I knew it would be bad, and it was. But I was there. The truth is out now. I’ve owned it now. I don’t have to be ashamed any more because I’m doing something to change it. I’m excited to embrace the road to renewed healthy eating, increased energy, efficient triathlon training, and fitting into my jeans again.
Now is the time to shift my focus from shame and negativity to all the wonderfulness that is going to come of losing these 25 – 30 pounds. It’s all about moving forward, focusing on the goal…the goal of feeling good physically, of feeling good in my jeans, of looking good to myself in the mirror, of feeling pride for my hard work and success, ooooh and the joy of getting up and over those hills on my bike easier. Soon enough I’ll be writing a blog about how fast I am…
And so I am writing this for everyone to see. It’s my way of taking responsibility and shedding the shame. It’s my way of being accountable. And, hopefully you will find strength in this so you can stop hiding and stare into the eyes of your own truth, whatever that is.
One step at a time…
PS. Thank you to Julie from www.Tri-ingtobeathletic.com for the custom picture.